i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
But theres a keg here and me gusta
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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