I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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