I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
