if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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