I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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