SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
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