hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
