I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
