ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.