Swine flu. Run for my life!
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
