so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of