My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
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dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
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Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.