the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
