You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
