I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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