stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
