I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
