Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
