Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
