At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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