She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
