Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.