I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.