I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
