i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
