my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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