my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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