The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
