I heard we made out
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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