Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
