But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
