He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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