mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
