I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
