god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
