I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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