I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize