I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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