Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All the doctor said was why
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
