ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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