well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
