Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I deserve this hangover.
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