what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
