I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
