im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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