I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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