Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
