I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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