Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
