have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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