Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
