I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
