I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
