My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
