so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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