I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
