She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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