im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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