got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
